When Marriage Ends, Can Life (Love) Begin?
One of the greatest challenges of the postmodern world is the rapid disintegration of societal norms. Lines between familial roles are blurred, perhaps inevitably with the advent of ‘modern’ or ‘liberal’ ideologies. But that is another discussion for another day. One thing is clear, though: divorce rates across all racial groups in Singapore have been rising.
When is it acceptable for anyone to divorce his or her spouse? Most people will point to passage in Matthew 19:1-12, which many take to prohibit divorces except by the reason of sexual immorality, according to the operative command in verse 9. So, conventional wisdom goes that this passage states that a remarrying (but formerly divorced) spouse is committing adultery when that spouse was not innocent in the adultery that his/her divorce was first based upon. More importantly, the ONLY ground for divorce is sexual immorality. This further implies that a marriage where there is no sexual immorality that had otherwise ended in divorce is immoral.
Context is important.
According to the Christian theologian Dr. David Instone-Brewer, the context in which Christ had replied in the Matthew 19 passage must be considered in accordance to the norms, language, and culture familiar to a 1st Century Jew. Interestingly, a few decades prior to Christ’s death and resurrection, a rabbinical school known as the Hillelites, had invented a new form of divorce which allowed for divorce on any grounds, basing this new form of “any cause” divorce on Deuteronomy 24:1. Naturally, at the opposite end of the argumentative spectrum, another group of rabbis, known as the Shammaites, wholly disagreed and advocated the position that there is no divorce but for immorality. It was in this context that Christ was asked to pick a side.
In the polarisation of this debate, and perhaps coupled with our failure to understand the issues, that the argument got simplified to one of “whether divorce is allowed”.
Dr. Instone-Brewer writes:
“When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn’t condemning “divorce for any cause,” but rather the newly invented “any cause” divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn’t mean divorce was allowable for “immorality” and for “any cause,” … He wasn’t rejecting the Old Testament—he was rejecting a faulty Jewish interpretation of the Old Testament. He defended the true meaning of Deuteronomy 24:1. And there is one other surprising thing he didn’t reject: Jesus didn’t reject the other ground for divorce in the Old Testament, which all Jews accepted. … Although the church forgot the other cause for divorce, every Jew in Jesus’ day knew about Exodus 21:10-11, which allowed divorce for neglect. … Exodus says that everyone, even a slave wife, had three rights within marriage—the rights to food, clothing, and love. If these were neglected, the wronged spouse had the right to seek freedom from that marriage. Even women could, and did, get divorces for neglect—though the man still had to write out the divorce certificate. Rabbis said he had to do it voluntarily, so if he resisted, the courts had him beaten till he volunteered!”
As a community, we do each other great disservice by our unwillingness to understand the positions we are taught to hold, to take sides without hearing the full story or by being willing to judge without understanding. Perhaps it is easier to leave the deep thinking to others, rather than consider the issues personally. It is my humble submission that as a community, we must support victims of neglect, abandonment, or abuse (be it emotional or physical), all of which are ways to breach the covenant of love and support set out in Exodus 21: 10-11, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, 33-34, and Ephesians 5:22-33. As a community, we should be slow to judge, and in humility, seek to understand the context of the divorce. We should be asking, “How does God protects the vulnerable?”, given that Micah 6:8 reminds us that God requires “us to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” It is my belief that God is more interested in the posture of our hearts (as evidenced by our actions).
Faith, Hope, and Love endure, despite the trauma of abuse, neglect, and infidelity. God wants you to embark on the journey of reconciliation, not just with each other, but more importantly with God himself. In no way live in condemnation but live in repentance. Condemnation is not God’s plan for you, since the Bible tells us in Romans 8:1 that there is in Christ no condemnation. You deserve to live a life free from abuse and neglect. Yes, divorce does come with its consequences. However, divorce is also a way for you to find a new beginning.
By all means, do what is reasonable to work through your marital issues with your spouse. There are many avenues of support available through private and public sectors. The Ministry of Social and Family Development runs Family Services Centre which provide valuable support across the nation. But by all means, too, know that you are loved by God.
